When Life Is Hard.....I.P.R. (Identify, Process, Reframe)

Let’s face it,

Life is hard right now…

Even on a good day, life can be difficult to navigate.

Throw in a pandemic and life feels uncertain at best. Suddenly, the path is difficult to see and the terrain feels dark, cold and uneven. All the things we took for granted are suddenly in question…our health, our job, our financial resources, the ability to connect with others on a daily basis, the freedom to go to the grocery and know that whatever we need will be in plentiful stock. The list goes on and on.

As humans, we are wired to connect with one another; as a culture, we are used to going wherever, whenever. Which explains why the concept of “social distancing” feels so foreign (except to my introvert friends - who feel they’re able to breath a bit easier these days!). But, all kidding aside, isolation can really mess with our heads.

My husband and I are kind of used to social distancing since we both work from home 90% of the time. We’re also both somewhat used to volatility - I’m a life coach and my husband is an investment manager - I help women work through being stuck and my husband deals daily with fluctuations in the stock market. But, these days, even we are feeling a bit off kilter. I know that, for me, being of service is ALWAYS a good way to get my mind in a better place.

So, I’m hoping that what I have to share with you today will help you feel as if you have a new tool to navigate the terrain. Not necessarily a compass - because we don’t really know what the future holds. But, maybe a sturdy oar for your boat.

Over the years of coaching women through daily struggles and adversity, I’ve come up with a process that is a simple but surefire way to learn the art of reframing our thoughts. I’d like to share that process with you today. I call it I.P.R. - Identify, Process, Reframe. It’s three simple steps that helps the clients I work with move past the orange cones in the middle of the road.

Here are the three steps:

Step #1 - IDENTIFY:

As soon as you sense that you’re feeling pulled down by difficult emotions, rather than denial and/or pushing the feelings away, allow yourself a few quiet moments in stillness to identify exactly what the feeling is. Are you scared, fearful, angry, stressed, sad, anxious, disappointed? This is a good time to practice self-compassion and patience by meeting yourself wherever you happen to be - without judgment.

Step #2 - PROCESS:

Once you’ve been able to identify what you’re feeling, give yourself a gentle reminder that it’s absolutely okay not to be okay. This is part of being human. The ability to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling is not only healthy…it’s the path to healing. This is when “processing” begins. Rather than beating yourself up for feeling the way you do, allow yourself to get curious and ponder the “why” of your feeling(s). Sit with these feelings for as long as feels necessary to gain a better understanding of where this feeling might be coming from and why. Know, as you’re working through this step, that it’s okay to struggle. Try not to rush this step - there is no hard, fast timeline here. Remember, be patient.

On the other hand, however, if you feel that you’re really stuck and unable to move forward on your own, depending on the type of struggle you’re experiencing and/or your past history, you may want to consider hiring a professional for assistance - a therapist or coach is always good places to start. If this isn’t financially feasible, find a trusted friend you can confide in.

Step #3 - REFRAME:

So, first you identified the feeling; then you processed through what’s behind that feeling. Now, it’s time to reframe the feeling. This step involves stepping back from the feeling and releasing it from any label it might hold in your mind (ie. positive/negative, good/bad, etc.). What you’re going to do here is make an effort to shift your focus and see if there are any silver linings you can locate and use to reframe the feeling towards the positive.

For many of my clients, this is the hardest step. Especially those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds, have especially negative inner critics and/or those who deal with maladaptive perfectionism. But, with patience and persistence, most are able to make real, meaningful progress once they learn how to implement this step.

Here’s what this process looks like in real life; I’ll give you a personal example:

I recently had my youngest son over for dinner. Although he lives close, he works long hours and I often go months without getting an opportunity to see him, so I was very excited he was going to join us. After dinner the discussion led to the political climate of our country - NEVER a good direction in our family as we have very few (if any!) shared views. We ended up talking/debating (ie. arguing) for the next hour and before I knew it, he had to leave. We parted on amiable terms, but as I was washing dishes after he went home, I felt unsettled about our conversation.

Okay, let’s walk through the steps together so you can see how I.P.R. works:

Step #1 - IDENTIFY: I needed to identify what I was feeling. I was near tears which, for me, is almost always indicative of some strong emotion. As I was drying the dishes, I took a few minutes to think about what was bothering me. I wasn’t mad…I wasn’t anxious or fearful (sometimes it helps to eliminate what you’re NOT feeling if you are having trouble identifying the emotion). I was, however, sad and disappointed.

Step #2 - PROCESS: I allowed myself to get curious about why I felt sad and disappointed. What I was able to identify was that I really wanted us to have a light, happy dinner together and I was sad and disappointed that the discussion turned to politics and a sense of how far apart we were with regard to our thoughts about what was right for the future of our country. Another reason I was sad and disappointed was that we had struggled a lot with not being close years ago and I didn’t want to move backwards in the progress we were making in our relationship. I was also sad that our time together seemed to go by so quickly and that I missed my son.

Step #3 - REFRAME: I didn’t want to hold onto my feelings once I realized why I was upset, so I texted my son and told him I was bummed out and explained why. For me this was a big deal because I’ve only recently learned to allow myself to really be vulnerable in this way. My reframe went something like this. Yes, I was sad and disappointed. But, I got to see my son and share an evening with him, regardless of the context or outcome of the conversation. I was also presented with an opportunity to be vulnerable with my son. And, because I shared my feelings with him, we were able to work through the situation and the conversation ended with my son telling me he loved me (and who ever gets tired of hearing that!!!). So, while my reframe didn’t change how I felt, I chose to focus on the positive outcomes of the situation which allowed me to be better able to continue to build my relationship with my son.

I know this is a tiny blip on the radar compared to what society is dealing with these days, but I hope you’re able to see how the process works.

If hope this helps in some small way! I am here to serve in any way I can.

In the next few days, I want to show you how to apply this process in a creative manner. In addition to being a life coach, I am also an artist and while I had been following this process innately for years in my art journal, I was just recently able to apply these steps in a more concrete, creative and healthy way. This type of creative process is also helpful with children!

If you would find a hard copy of this process helpful, shoot me an email and I will forward it to you. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions, comments or concerns.

Be in good health,

Victoria

victoria@victoriaholgate.com